The whole interviewing process is really getting to me. As you will note in past entries, I have been asked to do some pretty unreasonable things, like create a 30 page marketing plan. Well, the interviewing plot thickens. The other day I was asked, in an interview, "why are manhole covers round?" Seriously? What burned out HR person with too much time on their hands thought that question was a good idea? I gave some bull poop answer about ease of use, blah blah blah. After my interview, I googled it. To my surprise, and disgust, Microsoft made that interview question popular in the 90s. Apparently this question is a good tool to gauge how one approaches a question with more than one correct answer. See Wiki definition here. All it managed to do was test my patience and make me roll my eyes. Thankfully it was a phone interview so the interviewer couldn't see my what-the-fuck face. It took everything in my power not to get sarcastic on their ass. I giggle to myself about the dozen or so inappropriate answers I have come up with since the interview. But I won't bore you with those since they mostly involve penises or poop.
This question got the hamster in my head running in its wheel. I did a mental inventory of all of the interview questions I have been asked. And with as many interviews as I have been in, that's a whole lot of questions! But there are a few questions that really irk me. And they are:
Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
This question is so stupid. I mean really. What do they expect? Most people give some bullshit answer of "I hope to be established in my position with your company with added responsibilities." No one gives the honest answer of "who the hell knows? 5 years is a long time. If you don't give me a raise in that time, I'll be out the door faster than you can say 'are you happy here?'" This question is bologna.
What are your weaknesses?
If I had a dollar for every interview that I've conducted where the applicant said "I'm a perfectionist" I'd be able to go out to dinner at the Seattle Space Needle. Here we have another example of a bullshit question that is impossible to answer honestly. I'd love to be able to say "porn, cheese, and peanut M&Ms." But no, we're forced to drum up a not-so-bad offense and put a positive spin on it. I call bullshit.
If you could be any animal, what would you be?
"I'd be a tiger so I could disembowel you in 3 seconds for asking suck an idiotic question." What is this? Kindergarten? Why would anyone want to know the answer to this? Are they going to conduct a psychoanalysis of my answer? Uh oh, she wants to be a dog which means she's lazy and likes to lick herself. What the hell is an appropriate answer? "I'd be a horse because they are strong and regal." Bullshit bullshit bullshit.
If you were to receive any award, what would it be for?
"It would be for excellence in patience because I have to put up with your lame questions." I don't need an award, just give me the occasional atta girl and follow it up with a raise.
Why do you want to work for us?
Because you are hiring. That's why. Dumbass.
To quote Susan Powter, we've got to stop the insanity! Please join me in the fight to stop such idiotic interview questions. Interviews shouldn't be difficult. They should be honest, informative, and conversational. The next time I'm asked one of these dumb questions, I'm going to try my darnedest to push out a fart and say "there's your bullshit answer."
Friday, May 13, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Something For Nothing - The Interview "Assignment"
Prepare yourself blog readers, I'm stepping up on my soap box (again) and gonna spew/vent/verbally diarrheate all over the place. It's gonna get messy...
In the past few months I've had a few in-person and phone interviews. None of them worked out in the long run due to a variety of reasons. And no, wanting to sit at home on my growing butt is NOT one of the reasons. One of the interviews I had went AWESOMELY! Seriously, I rocked it. Midway through my interview the interviewer said "I'm sold on ya, why don't you come back for a second interview with my partner next week? I'll let you know soon when to come back." Rad. Score. I'm sooooo there. NOT! (yes, I just intentionally used the late 80s early 90s bail out "not.")
While sitting on my growing butt at home and waiting for the call to come back, I received an email. "Before you come in for your next interview, please write a marketing plan including how you would increase our prospective client list and profits, and detail specific marketing campaign plans with time lines and budget." Really? You want me to write a marketing plan for you? Are you going to pay me a consulting fee to do it? Seriously, I don't understand who in their right mind would do such a task without being employed by the company. What's to stop them from not hiring me yet still using my ideas? Needless to say, I had to decline. I did offer up writing samples and my references. I haven't heard back from them. That was a month ago.
It is this anecdote that has forced me to coin the phrase "something for nothing." Okay, I didn't really coin that phrase, but I may be the first to apply it to a type of bullshit interviewing process that companies have started adopting. I really wish this was the only instance of this bullshitocity, but alas, the saga continues....
And the 2nd story goes: I applied for a position with an association that has paying members. In fact, my husband's company is one of the paying members. This association was looking for an Events and Marketing Coordinator. Awesome. I'm a perfect fit! Yahoo! Long story short, a few days before my interview I received an email that said "Interview Assignment" in the subject. I thought, okay, cool, they want writing samples, no biggie. Oh no. Not even close. They asked for a 20-30 page marketing plan. Jaw. On. The. Floor. They wanted detailed lists for media distribution, budget details, target audiences, marketing campaign ideas, etc. Any Marketing Guru (such as myself) would agree, that is ridiculous. Ri-freakin-diculous! Icing on the cake? They wanted it in a Word document. As if requesting the 30 page marketing plan wasn't insulting enough - they wanted it in a format in which they could easily "borrow" from. I would like to thank Whitney Houston (the crack addicted one) for giving me the words to express myself in this moment - Hell to the no!
It is these two instances that leave a sour taste in my mouth. And no, that is not from the Sour Patch Kids I just devoured. Mental note to self: Sour Patch Kids may just in fact be contributing to my growing beeeehind. Anywho...why in the world do companies think it is okay to get something for nothing? Is there an evil HR person behind this? Or is an over-worked and under-paid bean counter to blame? I understand companies need to get the most bang for their buck, but at what expense? The expense of a prospective employees integrity? I'm sure there are desperate people out there that would jump at the opportunity to offer up free advice and marketing plans - but I am not one of them. Although, I just realized I only have 10 weeks left of unemployment benefits. Perhaps in 8 weeks I will reconsider hanging on to whatever integrity I have left.
Shame on you advantage-taking employers. Shame on you.
In the past few months I've had a few in-person and phone interviews. None of them worked out in the long run due to a variety of reasons. And no, wanting to sit at home on my growing butt is NOT one of the reasons. One of the interviews I had went AWESOMELY! Seriously, I rocked it. Midway through my interview the interviewer said "I'm sold on ya, why don't you come back for a second interview with my partner next week? I'll let you know soon when to come back." Rad. Score. I'm sooooo there. NOT! (yes, I just intentionally used the late 80s early 90s bail out "not.")
While sitting on my growing butt at home and waiting for the call to come back, I received an email. "Before you come in for your next interview, please write a marketing plan including how you would increase our prospective client list and profits, and detail specific marketing campaign plans with time lines and budget." Really? You want me to write a marketing plan for you? Are you going to pay me a consulting fee to do it? Seriously, I don't understand who in their right mind would do such a task without being employed by the company. What's to stop them from not hiring me yet still using my ideas? Needless to say, I had to decline. I did offer up writing samples and my references. I haven't heard back from them. That was a month ago.
It is this anecdote that has forced me to coin the phrase "something for nothing." Okay, I didn't really coin that phrase, but I may be the first to apply it to a type of bullshit interviewing process that companies have started adopting. I really wish this was the only instance of this bullshitocity, but alas, the saga continues....
And the 2nd story goes: I applied for a position with an association that has paying members. In fact, my husband's company is one of the paying members. This association was looking for an Events and Marketing Coordinator. Awesome. I'm a perfect fit! Yahoo! Long story short, a few days before my interview I received an email that said "Interview Assignment" in the subject. I thought, okay, cool, they want writing samples, no biggie. Oh no. Not even close. They asked for a 20-30 page marketing plan. Jaw. On. The. Floor. They wanted detailed lists for media distribution, budget details, target audiences, marketing campaign ideas, etc. Any Marketing Guru (such as myself) would agree, that is ridiculous. Ri-freakin-diculous! Icing on the cake? They wanted it in a Word document. As if requesting the 30 page marketing plan wasn't insulting enough - they wanted it in a format in which they could easily "borrow" from. I would like to thank Whitney Houston (the crack addicted one) for giving me the words to express myself in this moment - Hell to the no!
It is these two instances that leave a sour taste in my mouth. And no, that is not from the Sour Patch Kids I just devoured. Mental note to self: Sour Patch Kids may just in fact be contributing to my growing beeeehind. Anywho...why in the world do companies think it is okay to get something for nothing? Is there an evil HR person behind this? Or is an over-worked and under-paid bean counter to blame? I understand companies need to get the most bang for their buck, but at what expense? The expense of a prospective employees integrity? I'm sure there are desperate people out there that would jump at the opportunity to offer up free advice and marketing plans - but I am not one of them. Although, I just realized I only have 10 weeks left of unemployment benefits. Perhaps in 8 weeks I will reconsider hanging on to whatever integrity I have left.
Shame on you advantage-taking employers. Shame on you.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
What not to do on your work computer
I interrupt this blog to bring you an informative chunk of thought that might, one day, save you from getting fired. In my previous life one of my many tasks was being an "IT Liaison." Basically I was the only computer literate person at my former employer that could put out computer fires. During said firefighting, I would come across things that should not be on work computers. Yeah, I understand that people are basically pervs with hidden secrets, but do you really want your coworkers or boss to know your skeletons? People people people (I'm shaking my head right now), do not use work computers for something morally or ethically questionable. Sure, we all check our Facebook account or write a personal emails, that's pretty typical. As a general rule I would stay away from anything you have to click away from quickly when your boss rounds the corner.
I have seen it all - viruses from porno sites, emails confessing infidelity, blackmail letters, job applications for other employers, drug deal emails, the list goes on and on. I'll let you in on a little secret, most employers track what you do. I know what you're thinking right now "oh sh*t! I hope they didn't see that one site I went to that one time." They probably did. In my experience, bosses want to know why productivity is down. They'll look under every rock they can to determine where the weak link is. And if you are looking at porno on company time, that weak link is you! So stop it already! Oh, and if you are having an affair with a married person who happens to be a client, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF you morally bankrupt heathen. Okay, off my soap box. I'm not perfect. Not by any means. I've wasted an entire hour+ of work looking at You Tube videos, but that was before I knew that my computer had eyes, ears, and a mouth. It will tell on you, stupid little computer narc. Save your skeletons for your personal computer where only Google and your internet provider knows what you're in to.
I have seen it all - viruses from porno sites, emails confessing infidelity, blackmail letters, job applications for other employers, drug deal emails, the list goes on and on. I'll let you in on a little secret, most employers track what you do. I know what you're thinking right now "oh sh*t! I hope they didn't see that one site I went to that one time." They probably did. In my experience, bosses want to know why productivity is down. They'll look under every rock they can to determine where the weak link is. And if you are looking at porno on company time, that weak link is you! So stop it already! Oh, and if you are having an affair with a married person who happens to be a client, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF you morally bankrupt heathen. Okay, off my soap box. I'm not perfect. Not by any means. I've wasted an entire hour+ of work looking at You Tube videos, but that was before I knew that my computer had eyes, ears, and a mouth. It will tell on you, stupid little computer narc. Save your skeletons for your personal computer where only Google and your internet provider knows what you're in to.
THEY have the upper hand
THEY definitely have the upper hand. Hiring companies, that is. This economy has created a monster. There is so much competition for jobs that companies know people are desperate. Therefor and in conclusion their upper hand dictates offering salaries WAY WAY WAY below average. How do I know? I've stared the beast right in its ugly face. Long story short, I received a job offer that was 1/3 of what I was making before. 1/3! I couldn't believe my eyes. When I countered, they rescinded. I don't blame them - there's NO way we'd be able to get on the same page. But seriously. Seriously. How can people live off of what companies are offering now? I know I was born in the 70s, but I will not accept a salary from the 70s. Am I being too picky? Do I need to cut my salary expectations drastically? Only time will tell. Until then, it's back to emailing resumes, searching craigslist, and pulling my hair out.
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