The whole interviewing process is really getting to me. As you will note in past entries, I have been asked to do some pretty unreasonable things, like create a 30 page marketing plan. Well, the interviewing plot thickens. The other day I was asked, in an interview, "why are manhole covers round?" Seriously? What burned out HR person with too much time on their hands thought that question was a good idea? I gave some bull poop answer about ease of use, blah blah blah. After my interview, I googled it. To my surprise, and disgust, Microsoft made that interview question popular in the 90s. Apparently this question is a good tool to gauge how one approaches a question with more than one correct answer. See Wiki definition here. All it managed to do was test my patience and make me roll my eyes. Thankfully it was a phone interview so the interviewer couldn't see my what-the-fuck face. It took everything in my power not to get sarcastic on their ass. I giggle to myself about the dozen or so inappropriate answers I have come up with since the interview. But I won't bore you with those since they mostly involve penises or poop.
This question got the hamster in my head running in its wheel. I did a mental inventory of all of the interview questions I have been asked. And with as many interviews as I have been in, that's a whole lot of questions! But there are a few questions that really irk me. And they are:
Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
This question is so stupid. I mean really. What do they expect? Most people give some bullshit answer of "I hope to be established in my position with your company with added responsibilities." No one gives the honest answer of "who the hell knows? 5 years is a long time. If you don't give me a raise in that time, I'll be out the door faster than you can say 'are you happy here?'" This question is bologna.
What are your weaknesses?
If I had a dollar for every interview that I've conducted where the applicant said "I'm a perfectionist" I'd be able to go out to dinner at the Seattle Space Needle. Here we have another example of a bullshit question that is impossible to answer honestly. I'd love to be able to say "porn, cheese, and peanut M&Ms." But no, we're forced to drum up a not-so-bad offense and put a positive spin on it. I call bullshit.
If you could be any animal, what would you be?
"I'd be a tiger so I could disembowel you in 3 seconds for asking suck an idiotic question." What is this? Kindergarten? Why would anyone want to know the answer to this? Are they going to conduct a psychoanalysis of my answer? Uh oh, she wants to be a dog which means she's lazy and likes to lick herself. What the hell is an appropriate answer? "I'd be a horse because they are strong and regal." Bullshit bullshit bullshit.
If you were to receive any award, what would it be for?
"It would be for excellence in patience because I have to put up with your lame questions." I don't need an award, just give me the occasional atta girl and follow it up with a raise.
Why do you want to work for us?
Because you are hiring. That's why. Dumbass.
To quote Susan Powter, we've got to stop the insanity! Please join me in the fight to stop such idiotic interview questions. Interviews shouldn't be difficult. They should be honest, informative, and conversational. The next time I'm asked one of these dumb questions, I'm going to try my darnedest to push out a fart and say "there's your bullshit answer."
Friday, May 13, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Something For Nothing - The Interview "Assignment"
Prepare yourself blog readers, I'm stepping up on my soap box (again) and gonna spew/vent/verbally diarrheate all over the place. It's gonna get messy...
In the past few months I've had a few in-person and phone interviews. None of them worked out in the long run due to a variety of reasons. And no, wanting to sit at home on my growing butt is NOT one of the reasons. One of the interviews I had went AWESOMELY! Seriously, I rocked it. Midway through my interview the interviewer said "I'm sold on ya, why don't you come back for a second interview with my partner next week? I'll let you know soon when to come back." Rad. Score. I'm sooooo there. NOT! (yes, I just intentionally used the late 80s early 90s bail out "not.")
While sitting on my growing butt at home and waiting for the call to come back, I received an email. "Before you come in for your next interview, please write a marketing plan including how you would increase our prospective client list and profits, and detail specific marketing campaign plans with time lines and budget." Really? You want me to write a marketing plan for you? Are you going to pay me a consulting fee to do it? Seriously, I don't understand who in their right mind would do such a task without being employed by the company. What's to stop them from not hiring me yet still using my ideas? Needless to say, I had to decline. I did offer up writing samples and my references. I haven't heard back from them. That was a month ago.
It is this anecdote that has forced me to coin the phrase "something for nothing." Okay, I didn't really coin that phrase, but I may be the first to apply it to a type of bullshit interviewing process that companies have started adopting. I really wish this was the only instance of this bullshitocity, but alas, the saga continues....
And the 2nd story goes: I applied for a position with an association that has paying members. In fact, my husband's company is one of the paying members. This association was looking for an Events and Marketing Coordinator. Awesome. I'm a perfect fit! Yahoo! Long story short, a few days before my interview I received an email that said "Interview Assignment" in the subject. I thought, okay, cool, they want writing samples, no biggie. Oh no. Not even close. They asked for a 20-30 page marketing plan. Jaw. On. The. Floor. They wanted detailed lists for media distribution, budget details, target audiences, marketing campaign ideas, etc. Any Marketing Guru (such as myself) would agree, that is ridiculous. Ri-freakin-diculous! Icing on the cake? They wanted it in a Word document. As if requesting the 30 page marketing plan wasn't insulting enough - they wanted it in a format in which they could easily "borrow" from. I would like to thank Whitney Houston (the crack addicted one) for giving me the words to express myself in this moment - Hell to the no!
It is these two instances that leave a sour taste in my mouth. And no, that is not from the Sour Patch Kids I just devoured. Mental note to self: Sour Patch Kids may just in fact be contributing to my growing beeeehind. Anywho...why in the world do companies think it is okay to get something for nothing? Is there an evil HR person behind this? Or is an over-worked and under-paid bean counter to blame? I understand companies need to get the most bang for their buck, but at what expense? The expense of a prospective employees integrity? I'm sure there are desperate people out there that would jump at the opportunity to offer up free advice and marketing plans - but I am not one of them. Although, I just realized I only have 10 weeks left of unemployment benefits. Perhaps in 8 weeks I will reconsider hanging on to whatever integrity I have left.
Shame on you advantage-taking employers. Shame on you.
In the past few months I've had a few in-person and phone interviews. None of them worked out in the long run due to a variety of reasons. And no, wanting to sit at home on my growing butt is NOT one of the reasons. One of the interviews I had went AWESOMELY! Seriously, I rocked it. Midway through my interview the interviewer said "I'm sold on ya, why don't you come back for a second interview with my partner next week? I'll let you know soon when to come back." Rad. Score. I'm sooooo there. NOT! (yes, I just intentionally used the late 80s early 90s bail out "not.")
While sitting on my growing butt at home and waiting for the call to come back, I received an email. "Before you come in for your next interview, please write a marketing plan including how you would increase our prospective client list and profits, and detail specific marketing campaign plans with time lines and budget." Really? You want me to write a marketing plan for you? Are you going to pay me a consulting fee to do it? Seriously, I don't understand who in their right mind would do such a task without being employed by the company. What's to stop them from not hiring me yet still using my ideas? Needless to say, I had to decline. I did offer up writing samples and my references. I haven't heard back from them. That was a month ago.
It is this anecdote that has forced me to coin the phrase "something for nothing." Okay, I didn't really coin that phrase, but I may be the first to apply it to a type of bullshit interviewing process that companies have started adopting. I really wish this was the only instance of this bullshitocity, but alas, the saga continues....
And the 2nd story goes: I applied for a position with an association that has paying members. In fact, my husband's company is one of the paying members. This association was looking for an Events and Marketing Coordinator. Awesome. I'm a perfect fit! Yahoo! Long story short, a few days before my interview I received an email that said "Interview Assignment" in the subject. I thought, okay, cool, they want writing samples, no biggie. Oh no. Not even close. They asked for a 20-30 page marketing plan. Jaw. On. The. Floor. They wanted detailed lists for media distribution, budget details, target audiences, marketing campaign ideas, etc. Any Marketing Guru (such as myself) would agree, that is ridiculous. Ri-freakin-diculous! Icing on the cake? They wanted it in a Word document. As if requesting the 30 page marketing plan wasn't insulting enough - they wanted it in a format in which they could easily "borrow" from. I would like to thank Whitney Houston (the crack addicted one) for giving me the words to express myself in this moment - Hell to the no!
It is these two instances that leave a sour taste in my mouth. And no, that is not from the Sour Patch Kids I just devoured. Mental note to self: Sour Patch Kids may just in fact be contributing to my growing beeeehind. Anywho...why in the world do companies think it is okay to get something for nothing? Is there an evil HR person behind this? Or is an over-worked and under-paid bean counter to blame? I understand companies need to get the most bang for their buck, but at what expense? The expense of a prospective employees integrity? I'm sure there are desperate people out there that would jump at the opportunity to offer up free advice and marketing plans - but I am not one of them. Although, I just realized I only have 10 weeks left of unemployment benefits. Perhaps in 8 weeks I will reconsider hanging on to whatever integrity I have left.
Shame on you advantage-taking employers. Shame on you.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
What not to do on your work computer
I interrupt this blog to bring you an informative chunk of thought that might, one day, save you from getting fired. In my previous life one of my many tasks was being an "IT Liaison." Basically I was the only computer literate person at my former employer that could put out computer fires. During said firefighting, I would come across things that should not be on work computers. Yeah, I understand that people are basically pervs with hidden secrets, but do you really want your coworkers or boss to know your skeletons? People people people (I'm shaking my head right now), do not use work computers for something morally or ethically questionable. Sure, we all check our Facebook account or write a personal emails, that's pretty typical. As a general rule I would stay away from anything you have to click away from quickly when your boss rounds the corner.
I have seen it all - viruses from porno sites, emails confessing infidelity, blackmail letters, job applications for other employers, drug deal emails, the list goes on and on. I'll let you in on a little secret, most employers track what you do. I know what you're thinking right now "oh sh*t! I hope they didn't see that one site I went to that one time." They probably did. In my experience, bosses want to know why productivity is down. They'll look under every rock they can to determine where the weak link is. And if you are looking at porno on company time, that weak link is you! So stop it already! Oh, and if you are having an affair with a married person who happens to be a client, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF you morally bankrupt heathen. Okay, off my soap box. I'm not perfect. Not by any means. I've wasted an entire hour+ of work looking at You Tube videos, but that was before I knew that my computer had eyes, ears, and a mouth. It will tell on you, stupid little computer narc. Save your skeletons for your personal computer where only Google and your internet provider knows what you're in to.
I have seen it all - viruses from porno sites, emails confessing infidelity, blackmail letters, job applications for other employers, drug deal emails, the list goes on and on. I'll let you in on a little secret, most employers track what you do. I know what you're thinking right now "oh sh*t! I hope they didn't see that one site I went to that one time." They probably did. In my experience, bosses want to know why productivity is down. They'll look under every rock they can to determine where the weak link is. And if you are looking at porno on company time, that weak link is you! So stop it already! Oh, and if you are having an affair with a married person who happens to be a client, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF you morally bankrupt heathen. Okay, off my soap box. I'm not perfect. Not by any means. I've wasted an entire hour+ of work looking at You Tube videos, but that was before I knew that my computer had eyes, ears, and a mouth. It will tell on you, stupid little computer narc. Save your skeletons for your personal computer where only Google and your internet provider knows what you're in to.
THEY have the upper hand
THEY definitely have the upper hand. Hiring companies, that is. This economy has created a monster. There is so much competition for jobs that companies know people are desperate. Therefor and in conclusion their upper hand dictates offering salaries WAY WAY WAY below average. How do I know? I've stared the beast right in its ugly face. Long story short, I received a job offer that was 1/3 of what I was making before. 1/3! I couldn't believe my eyes. When I countered, they rescinded. I don't blame them - there's NO way we'd be able to get on the same page. But seriously. Seriously. How can people live off of what companies are offering now? I know I was born in the 70s, but I will not accept a salary from the 70s. Am I being too picky? Do I need to cut my salary expectations drastically? Only time will tell. Until then, it's back to emailing resumes, searching craigslist, and pulling my hair out.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Tips from someone without a job
In my past lives I have had a lot of HR responsibilities. One of which was screening resumes and cover letters for job openings. I have read some of the wackiest resumes and cover letters on the planet (see anecdotes at bottom). And some of the most drab and boring resumes. Here are some tips that I have learned along the way.
At another job I was screening resumes and cover letters for an HR position. I received a great resume with tons of experience and a well written cover letter. While conducting a phone interview I asked her the standard question of "what kind of environment do you like to work in?" I will never forget her response. "I am a traditional woman. At my last job there was a bisexual person. I couldn't possibly work with a homosexual." The one thing I hated about interviewing people was that I couldn't give them my opinion. Inside I was screaming "you homophobic piece of shit!" but I had to remain calm and tell her that we welcomed all types of people and enjoyed diversity. Still to this day (it was about 8 years ago) I can't believe her response. She was applying for an HR position for Pete's Sake!
Resumes and cover letters are your first impression to a potential employer. Make sure you spend some time perfecting them. I'm not about to state that I have the worlds best resume, but I think it works really well for me. No one is beating down my door to hire me (just yet) but I have received 3 interviews out of the 12 resumes I have sent out. Not too shabby.
- Never ever ever send a Word document (unless specifically requested). Always PDF your resume or cover letter. You do not want an editable document with your name on it floating around.
- Do not put your desired salary on your resume (unless specifically requested.)
- Resumes are not a proper forum to showcase your sense of humor. Save that for happy hour.
- When applying for a job, always include a cover letter, even if they don't ask for one.
- If you have a multi-paged resume, make sure each job is on the same page. Do not go from page one to page two in the middle of listing your job duties.
- Use bullet points to showcase skills.
- When including your contact information, do not use your personal super witty email moniker. I.E. "supercooldude@xyz" Set up an email address with your actual name.
- Make sure bullet points and sentences align. Nothing worse than wayward bullet points.
- Customize each resume to each job opening. It's as simple as rearranging your skill bullet points or rewording them to use their terminology.
- Do not get too personal on your resume or in your cover letter. This is not the forum to declare your undying love for The Beatles or state you frequent the pub on Saturdays.
- Always be honest. If you lie, it will come back to bite you in the butt.
At another job I was screening resumes and cover letters for an HR position. I received a great resume with tons of experience and a well written cover letter. While conducting a phone interview I asked her the standard question of "what kind of environment do you like to work in?" I will never forget her response. "I am a traditional woman. At my last job there was a bisexual person. I couldn't possibly work with a homosexual." The one thing I hated about interviewing people was that I couldn't give them my opinion. Inside I was screaming "you homophobic piece of shit!" but I had to remain calm and tell her that we welcomed all types of people and enjoyed diversity. Still to this day (it was about 8 years ago) I can't believe her response. She was applying for an HR position for Pete's Sake!
Resumes and cover letters are your first impression to a potential employer. Make sure you spend some time perfecting them. I'm not about to state that I have the worlds best resume, but I think it works really well for me. No one is beating down my door to hire me (just yet) but I have received 3 interviews out of the 12 resumes I have sent out. Not too shabby.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
The Weights
Unemployment sure creates a ton of weights. From financial weights, to emotional weights, to physical weights. There's so much to do. And you'd better do it right, or you're screwed.
Yesterday I attended a mandatory "Orientation to Reemployment" class hosted by Worksource: A Division of the Employment Security Department. To be honest I was NOT looking forward to this class. But in the end, I feel it was worth while. Basically it's a 101 on how to fill out your required "Log Search Logs", how not to screw up, and where to go with questions. The teacher of the class made an interesting observation that I thought I would pass along - just so I can depress the rest of you on unemployment. Misery loves company. Anyway, she said being laid off is like grieving. Man. Heavy. She couldn't be more right. Denial and Isolation. Check. Anger. Double Check. Bargaining. Check. Depression. Oh yeah. Acceptance. Working on it.
I am extremely thankful that I have my husband, family, and friends to encourage me along the way. Without them, I'd be in a very bad place. Like Cleveland. Ugh. But seriously, the only way to get through the grieving process, whether it is due to the loss of a loved one or the loss of a great job, is with support.
On another note, filing for unemployment benefits is brutal. I'm not going to say too many horrible/awful things because I like getting my weekly check and don't want that to stop. But the process in which you have to go through to get unemployment benefits is exhausting. There are a bazillion questions that are completely ambiguous, a waiting period to get moolah, a Telecenter that is crazy busy, and the most incomprehensible 46 page booklet you have to decipher. I've got a migraine just thinking about it. I know it's all a part of the process that everyone has to go through, but man am I exhausted. Thank god I can do everything online - I'd much rather be comfortable in my pajamas while filing out government forms.
At the end of January I have to attend another MANDATORY session with a career coach at Worksource. Unless, of course, I am gainfully employed by then. It's a "what do you want to be when you grow up" class. At least it is one-on-one so I don't have to listen to questions asked by brain dead individuals. I'll let you know how it goes. I know...you're waiting at the edge of your seat. Just like I am.
Yesterday I attended a mandatory "Orientation to Reemployment" class hosted by Worksource: A Division of the Employment Security Department. To be honest I was NOT looking forward to this class. But in the end, I feel it was worth while. Basically it's a 101 on how to fill out your required "Log Search Logs", how not to screw up, and where to go with questions. The teacher of the class made an interesting observation that I thought I would pass along - just so I can depress the rest of you on unemployment. Misery loves company. Anyway, she said being laid off is like grieving. Man. Heavy. She couldn't be more right. Denial and Isolation. Check. Anger. Double Check. Bargaining. Check. Depression. Oh yeah. Acceptance. Working on it.
I am extremely thankful that I have my husband, family, and friends to encourage me along the way. Without them, I'd be in a very bad place. Like Cleveland. Ugh. But seriously, the only way to get through the grieving process, whether it is due to the loss of a loved one or the loss of a great job, is with support.
On another note, filing for unemployment benefits is brutal. I'm not going to say too many horrible/awful things because I like getting my weekly check and don't want that to stop. But the process in which you have to go through to get unemployment benefits is exhausting. There are a bazillion questions that are completely ambiguous, a waiting period to get moolah, a Telecenter that is crazy busy, and the most incomprehensible 46 page booklet you have to decipher. I've got a migraine just thinking about it. I know it's all a part of the process that everyone has to go through, but man am I exhausted. Thank god I can do everything online - I'd much rather be comfortable in my pajamas while filing out government forms.
At the end of January I have to attend another MANDATORY session with a career coach at Worksource. Unless, of course, I am gainfully employed by then. It's a "what do you want to be when you grow up" class. At least it is one-on-one so I don't have to listen to questions asked by brain dead individuals. I'll let you know how it goes. I know...you're waiting at the edge of your seat. Just like I am.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
You've just been laid off, what are you going to do now?
I'M GOING TO DISNEYLAND!!!! Of course, by "Disneyland" I mean spending my days scouring craigslists for jobs, updating my resume and cover letter, getting frustrated with unemployment benefits, and spending endless nights awake with thoughts of "oh crap, I'm screwed."
Okay, let's back up here. On November 16, 2010 I was laid off from the best job I have ever had. I was a Marketing Guru Extraordinaire. As many of us know, this economy has forced businesses to "cut the fat" and make some tough decisions. Well, I was one of those decisions. One of "those" people. "The fat." Just one of the numbers. An effin' statistic.
It caught me completely off guard and I cried. And cried. And cried. Which, for those of you that know me, understand how crazy that is. I don't tend to cry. Especially not in front of people. But it's hard not to when your work family has just abandoned you.
Okay, that sounds really dramatic. Even for me. But it is in part true - I feel like I have been broken up with without so much as an "it was fun knowing you, let's just be friends." Instead I got a "you need to leave now so you don't bring the rest of the still employed down." Ouch.
The hardest part of being laid off was telling my family and friends. I feel/felt like a loser. But thankfully my husband, family, and friends are all soooooo supportive and have nothing but words of encouragement for me. I contacted a former boss of mine and told her the news. She said "they are idiots. YOU made work fun." Let me tell you, that was the nugget of inspiration I needed to start my "moving on" phase. She's damn right, I DO make work fun. (Please excuse the size of my ego right there, I'm feeling a moment of self love - which these days are far and few between.)
So what to do now? Hang on tight like the rest of the unemployed. Oh, and have cathartic moments blogging about my unemploymentness. And make up silly words like unemploymentness.
Thanks for listening.
Brooke
Okay, let's back up here. On November 16, 2010 I was laid off from the best job I have ever had. I was a Marketing Guru Extraordinaire. As many of us know, this economy has forced businesses to "cut the fat" and make some tough decisions. Well, I was one of those decisions. One of "those" people. "The fat." Just one of the numbers. An effin' statistic.
It caught me completely off guard and I cried. And cried. And cried. Which, for those of you that know me, understand how crazy that is. I don't tend to cry. Especially not in front of people. But it's hard not to when your work family has just abandoned you.
Okay, that sounds really dramatic. Even for me. But it is in part true - I feel like I have been broken up with without so much as an "it was fun knowing you, let's just be friends." Instead I got a "you need to leave now so you don't bring the rest of the still employed down." Ouch.
The hardest part of being laid off was telling my family and friends. I feel/felt like a loser. But thankfully my husband, family, and friends are all soooooo supportive and have nothing but words of encouragement for me. I contacted a former boss of mine and told her the news. She said "they are idiots. YOU made work fun." Let me tell you, that was the nugget of inspiration I needed to start my "moving on" phase. She's damn right, I DO make work fun. (Please excuse the size of my ego right there, I'm feeling a moment of self love - which these days are far and few between.)
So what to do now? Hang on tight like the rest of the unemployed. Oh, and have cathartic moments blogging about my unemploymentness. And make up silly words like unemploymentness.
Thanks for listening.
Brooke
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