Tips from someone without a job

In my past lives I have had a lot of HR responsibilities.  One of which was screening resumes and cover letters for job openings.  I have read some of the wackiest resumes and cover letters on the planet (see anecdotes at bottom).  And some of the most drab and boring resumes.  Here are some tips that I have learned along the way. 

1. Never ever ever send a Word document (unless specifically requested).  Always PDF your resume or cover letter.  You do not want an editable document with your name on it floating around.
2. Do not put your desired salary on your resume (unless specifically requested.)
3. Resumes are not a proper forum to showcase your sense of humor.  Save that for happy hour.
4. When applying for a job, always include a cover letter, even if they don't ask for one.
5. If you have a multi-paged resume, make sure each job is on the same page.  Do not go from page one to page two in the middle of listing your job duties. 
6. Use bullet points to showcase skills.
7. When including your contact information, do not use your personal super witty email moniker.  I.E. "supercooldude@xyz" Set up an email address with your actual name.
8. Make sure bullet points and sentences align.  Nothing worse than wayward bullet points.
9. Customize each resume to each job opening.  It's as simple as rearranging your skill bullet points or rewording them to use their terminology.
10. Do not get too personal on your resume or in your cover letter.  This is not the forum to declare your undying love for The Beatles or state you frequent the pub on Saturdays.
11. Always be honest.  If you lie, it will come back to bite you in the butt.

Anecdotes:  I was screening resumes for a front desk person at a computer software company.  There was a specific applicant that had worked at her family's farm.  Instead of making her job sound appealing, she listed her title as "Shit Shoveler".  See tip number 3 above.  Needless to say, she went into the "Um Hell No" pile.

At another job I was screening resumes and cover letters for an HR position.  I received a great resume with tons of experience and a well written cover letter.  While conducting a phone interview I asked her the standard question of "what kind of environment do you like to work in?"  I will never forget her response.  "I am a traditional woman.  At my last job there was a bisexual person.  I couldn't possibly work with a homosexual."  The one thing I hated about interviewing people was that I couldn't give them my opinion.  Inside I was screaming "you homophobic piece of shit!" but I had to remain calm and tell her that we welcomed all types of people and enjoyed diversity.  Still to this day (it was about 8 years ago) I can't believe her response.  She was applying for an HR position for Pete's Sake!

Resumes and cover letters are your first impression to a potential employer.  Make sure you spend some time perfecting them.  I'm not about to state that I have the worlds best resume, but I think it works really well for me.  No one is beating down my door to hire me (just yet) but I have received 3 interviews out of the 12 resumes I have sent out.  Not too shabby.  

The Weights

Unemployment sure creates a ton of weights.  From financial weights, to emotional weights, to physical weights.  There's so much to do.  And you'd better do it right, or you're screwed.

Yesterday I attended a mandatory "Orientation to Reemployment" class hosted by Worksource: A Division of the Employment Security Department.  To be honest I was NOT looking forward to this class.  But in the end, I feel it was worth while.  Basically it's a 101 on how to fill out your required "Log Search Logs", how not to screw up, and where to go with questions.  The teacher of the class made an interesting observation that I thought I would pass along - just so I can depress the rest of you on unemployment.  Misery loves company.  Anyway, she said being laid off is like grieving.  Man.  Heavy.  She couldn't be more right.  Denial and Isolation.  Check.  Anger.  Double Check.  Bargaining.  Check.  Depression.  Oh yeah.  Acceptance.  Working on it.

I am extremely thankful that I have my husband, family, and friends to encourage me along the way.  Without them, I'd be in a very bad place.  Like Cleveland.  Ugh.  But seriously, the only way to get through the grieving process, whether it is due to the loss of a loved one or the loss of a great job, is with support.

On another note, filing for unemployment benefits is brutal.  I'm not going to say too many horrible/awful things because I like getting my weekly check and don't want that to stop.  But the process in which you have to go through to get unemployment benefits is exhausting.  There are a bazillion questions that are completely ambiguous, a waiting period to get moolah, a Telecenter that is crazy busy, and the most incomprehensible 46 page booklet you have to decipher.  I've got a migraine just thinking about it.  I know it's all a part of the process that everyone has to go through, but man am I exhausted.  Thank god I can do everything online - I'd much rather be comfortable in my pajamas while filing out government forms.

At the end of January I have to attend another MANDATORY session with a career coach at Worksource.  Unless, of course, I am gainfully employed by then.  It's a "what do you want to be when you grow up" class.  At least it is one-on-one so I don't have to listen to questions asked by brain dead individuals.  I'll let you know how it goes.  I know...you're waiting at the edge of your seat.  Just like I am.

You've just been laid off, what are you going to do now?

I'M GOING TO DISNEYLAND!!!!  Of course, by "Disneyland" I mean spending my days scouring craigslists for jobs, updating my resume and cover letter, getting frustrated with unemployment benefits, and spending endless nights awake with thoughts of "oh crap, I'm screwed."

Okay, let's back up here.  On November 16, 2010 I was laid off from the best job I have ever had.  I was a Marketing Guru Extraordinaire.  As many of us know, this economy has forced businesses to "cut the fat" and make some tough decisions.  Well, I was one of those decisions.  One of "those" people.  "The fat."  Just one of the numbers.  An effin' statistic.


It caught me completely off guard and I cried.  And cried.  And cried.  Which, for those of you that know me, understand how crazy that is.  I don't tend to cry.  Especially not in front of people. But it's hard not to when your work family has just abandoned you.

Okay, that sounds really dramatic.  Even for me.  But it is in part true - I feel like I have been broken up with without so much as an "it was fun knowing you, let's just be friends."  Instead I got a "you need to leave now so you don't bring the rest of the still employed down."  Ouch.

The hardest part of being laid off was telling my family and friends.  I feel/felt like a loser.  But thankfully my husband, family, and friends are all soooooo supportive and have nothing but words of encouragement for me.  I contacted a former boss of mine and told her the news.  She said "they are idiots.  YOU made work fun."  Let me tell you, that was the nugget of inspiration I needed to start my "moving on" phase.  She's damn right, I DO make work fun.  (Please excuse the size of my ego right there, I'm feeling a moment of self love - which these days are far and few between.)

So what to do now?  Hang on tight like the rest of the unemployed.  Oh, and have cathartic moments blogging about my unemploymentness.  And make up silly words like unemploymentness.

Thanks for listening.

Brooke